Just what is a controlling Mom and how will you evaluate yourself if you are one? Have you ever felt your own children quite distancing themselves from you? Or even in simple communication, mentoring or instructions, you are left unheard or disobeyed?
I did not really know that children are trying to deal with this kind of actuations from Mom.
Some are even writing articles for others experiencing this or have wounds trying to heal from mother issues. (How To Heal Mother Issues and the like by confidentman.net).
The first time, I read about this topic was a big WOOHH???
Do those exist?
I am a mother and I know our intention of giving only the best for our children.
But specific scenarios were given by those who actually encountered too much mother controlling issues.
I felt the wounds that are still lingering and these people are trying to look for cure to experience the fulness of life they ever dream of.
I do not want our children get hurt the same so I am writing this article.
I want you to evaluate yourself and deal with your own behavior if you are ever controlling.
The goal is to have a healthy relationship with your children and make them winner adults.
How do you like that? Please punch the phrase, “I like that” in the comment section below if you like that.
But before you could ever evaluate yourself, you need to know first what are the marks of a controlling Mom.
In my opinion, the following are the marks of a controlling mom.
Marks Of A Controlling Mom
I have been the head of women’s group in our local church in my hometown for seven years now. Although I have not been physically active for the past three years due to my PWD condition, I have been trying to reach out at least online and with once a month bonding together with their spouse prior to pandemic lockdown, mentoring each other in enhancing a healthy and Godly relationship. I also have my small group of women intended for close mentoring, admonition and winding up moment from weekly routines. Before the pandemic, I started my dream of visit hopping our church community for more personal fellowship.
From time to time my previous food business clients and colleagues have also opened up on family concerns.
Those exposures, as well as observations from children’s behavior led me to list down some marks of a controlling Mom below:
Too Much Anxious Mothers tend to think negatively and foresee the worst things to happen to their children. Children see this as a limitation to explore things, make mistakes and learn from their own. The excitement to discover their own world seems to them being hurled down.
Over Protective Because of Mom’s negative visualization, she becomes over protective. Don’t go here and there, don’t wear this, don’t say this, don’t ever think of this or don’t join this. Lots of don’ts that children can no longer feel their freedom.
Manipulative The opposite of over protective don’ts is Mom being manipulative. Speak in this manners only. Behave this way. Choose from these selection. Take this course or job. I like that person as your personal partner.
Too Attach-Cannot Detach Mom has been so loving and caring. She is the bestfriend and the never tiring shoulder to lean on. But in her eyes and actuation, the baby never grew up. It is hard for the child to stand firm alone and make grown up decision for himself. Mom just can’t let go.
Lack Of Proper Communication One thing I see with this, is the busyness of Mom. Either Mom is staying home for household chores or with an employment or hands on business, she might too soak herself with duties and responsibilities, forgetting the importance of proper guidance while the child is young and easy to absorb. Or Mom did not forget the details of proper explaining but follow up and coaching did not take place. Possible also, Mom is so authoritative and one-sided never giving a chance to listen and consider.
Dad is not around The presence, the voice, firm positioning and authority counts a lot. I saw children looking at their fathers as passive in not intervening when Mama continually nags and dictates. He was expected to come around as a hero saving them from disaster. If father seldom comes home due to work, children are aloof. Or they act properly in that time only due to fear. Mother is so challenged to play also the role of the father when he is not around.
Passing Responsibilities Poverty dictates the passing of responsibilities, part or full, in Mama asking elder child to take responsibilities for sibling next in line, or possibly all siblings if one child alone has the capacity or initiative to do so.
Not Ready To Be Mom Possible too young when she bore the her womb. She is not yet mature enough to carry the responsibilities of being a mother. Maybe she has psychological in-born incapacities or disturbances as effects of past encounters. Could be family problems, personal habits, peer pressure or tragic experience.
Wherever she is coming from, she surely has the reason which she maybe hiding deep within her heart.
Let me first share my own issues as a Mom and ask your help to say if I am really a controller or just a typical Mom coach.
My kids grew up seldom seeing their father. Probably every quarter or even months. Once, 4 years.
A military man, with a loud voice. The kids grew in fear just hearing his loud voice and seeing a tough “stranger in front of them”.
Though he tried reaching through phone calls, they were resisting to listen to the tough and loud voice.
It was the time that digicam were not yet as available as now. Or maybe our life status then cannot afford to have one yet.
I was working. Office is 4 hours travel back and forth.
Kids being left at Granny and Nanny’s care.
I was coming home daily.
Personally giving them time and study tutorials at night.
Almost all needs and even wants provided to the best of our capacity by God’s grace.
Gave them liberty to choose and decide so that they can be independent.
I knew, I was giving proper guidance.
But eventually, they became too independent that I was receiving a ssshhh… when I am starting to talk.
I was thinking, despite my sacrifices as a working mom and never failing with household duties- but that is Mother issue for lack of proper communication.
Diagnosing small company problems and recommending solutions made me see things through.
I just realized lately that it contributed to my anxiety.
Children at their age and exposure could not foresee what the elders are saying with their habits.
I see the new norms now and the culture then very far.
And communication gap harms the family.
My son developed the habit of rising at 1 or 2 am, playing scheduled games with international opponents.
His immune system got down and and he was stricken with a chronic disease.
Many other Mother concerns not taken into consideration by child brought out their consequences according to the weight of the act.
I never lack in mentoring.
Sometimes I was wondering, I knew my children are intelligent, why can’t they obey simple instructions?
Were they dumb to get instructions?
Or were they just intentionally disobeying?
They answered they were doing the latter.
Now that I am home and their father tries best to go home twice a month, I am seeing a difference in their attitude and behavior.
I was able to fill some of the gaps. I see progress in what I am expecting.
With the marks given above, from a rate of 1-10, 10 being the too controlling mom, what rate can you give me and why?
May I request you to jot your answer below?
Now Is Your Time For Self Evaluation
This is the form that you can use for rating:
SELF EVALUATION FORM FOR A CONTROLLING MOM
|Too Much Anxious|
|Too Attach- Cannot Detach|
|Lack Of Proper Communication|
|Dad Is Not Around|
|Not Ready To Be A Mom|
Get your weighted average by adding all your average and divide it by eight. Write it here _________
Check the score sheet to find out your Mother Issue Score
Mother Issue Scoresheet
|Your Weighted Average Score||You Are:|
|1 – 3||Somewhat slack and passive; Does not really look at child’s whereabouts and intentions|
|4-5||You are the mentor; You stand firm by your right positioning in a balance way, not too strict nor too light|
|6-8||You are controlling and manipulating your child;
You are pushing your child to distance from you.
|9-10||You are too controlling, choking your child and he or she is escaping from you. Worse if he or she already did.|
How did you score?
And how do you intend to continue your relationship with your child?
You may strategize a lot of ways.
Experiment on which way works best.
But instead of exerting your effort, why not learn from tested means?
let me share you this Bible verse from Colossians 3:18-21
“18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as fitting in the Lord.
19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them
20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
I see some who do not received ideas from the Bible.
They see the Bible as mere religious things.
But take a look at verse 21, it talks about Fathers, not to embitter and discouraged children.
Are there Mother Issues here?
Do you see the Father nagging?
But verse 18, speaks about Mom submitting to his husband.
Dad is in authority, Mom submits to his direction.
And verse 19 projects loving authority. Not bound in selfishness or harsh.
I see no issues if the child learns to trust their parents of their good intention.
Following the military principle of obeying first before complaining.
Religion aside, I see these Bible verses of lovely intention for a family relationship.
The issue is not only Mom but every member of the family.
It starts from acknowledging God’s good intention for all His creation,
And then walking in His word.
It is not just the child’s obedience or disobedience.
But a chronological order of Dad’s obedience to God, then submission of Mom to Dad and obedience of the child to both parents.
Now this is not an easy thing to do.
Our mind and flesh may dictate other things to do.
Best time for grace to kneel, pray and ask for God’s direction.